why can't i choose?

Bible taught me that women are born to be men's helper & supporter.
My mentor told me that we should be 'passive' rather than 'active' when starting a relationship.
People said that it supposed to be man who approaches woman, then the woman decides.
The others would say the same principle with different language and conditions.

butttttttttttttttttttttttt...
i never think it's fair enough for women   :(

difficult to accept, that woman can only choose from the options that come to her.
*hey, it means there's a probability that she likes NONE of all the options
**and when there's no more options, she HAS TO choose one of them she doesn't really like :'(
***i really don't want thissssssssssssssssssssssssss!! amit amit tok tok tok :((

yes, we do have the right to say yes or no when man comes to our life,
which for my mentor, this is it! that's exactly the time when women DO have the right to choose.
but, do you see the differenceeeeeeeee????AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

second thing.
most of women WILL EASILY FALL, to the man who intensely trying to get close to her.
classic story.
a man falls in love with a woman,  the woman doesn't.
the time goes by.
their closeness makes the woman in love with that man at last.
and they (might be) live happily ever after.
*that's why, in most of relationships i see, the woman seems better than the man (physically at least).
:'((

i realize that, lucky are they, who love the one who love them back, get married, and grow old together.
God, i wanna get married with the one i love. not the one i pity.

please read this wisely. it's just my thought that haven't got the enlightment.
one day i'll be proud being a woman of choice, not a woman without choice.

lumoz

it is from the word lumos.
sounds familiar?
yep, the magic spell in Harry Potter to make a flame.

i never tell why i use this word all the time.
as my bluetooth name, my blog address, twitter name, etc etc..
too shy to tell what it means,
cos it is too high high high!
*when i repeat it three times, it means SOOOOOOOOO HIGHHHHHHHH! wkwkwk..

yea, the first idea - it is just my hope - that i could be a lumos in this world,
through my words, my acts, my achievements, my blog, my creation, my everything,
according to this verse:
Matthew 5.14-16
You are the light of the world.
A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden.
Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house.
Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.
since you all knew what it means, please remind me if i no longer shine this world :)

Luminous \Lu"mi*nous\, a. [L. luminosus, fr. lumen light: cf. F.lumineux. See Luminary, Illuminate.] [1913 Webster] Shining; emitting or reflecting light; brilliant; bright; as, the is a luminous body; a luminous color.

THE NEW ONE

my dad once told me, if i was about to move out of a company, i should give my best performance to the company.
*doesn't mean that the time before i should be a mediocre worker, but do it better than usual!
which is harder to do when you know you've been accepted by another company with better compensation... T_T
however, i promise you i'll try to give my better than best quality.

if everything goes right, i'm about to resign after almost 3 years in my last company.
well i've prayed for a new job quite long, and i think this is it!

i will be doing a new and totally different job.

excited? yes i am!
so thirsty to learn the new things,
work with expats (again),
use my english,
get a bigger compensation ;D
but afraid also :(
to get out of my comfortable area in last company and doing something i'm not expert in,
leave my great pals there and find the new friends in a new environment i never knew,
adapt to a new boss with different higher level (hope i can do it God please please please)
and when i get busier there than now, i'm afraid i will have no time for God.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.

hopefully it really is the path He directed me to.

visible VS invisible

Life is just too real with many imperfect facts,
so i don't fly too high with my happy feelings in romantic moment.
*imagine a handsome prince fall in love with a beautiful princess.
they get married and live happily ever after.
sounds so perfect.
but do you ever think that the prince and the princess are human also, that can sweat, snore and even fart? xp
now the story of the prince and the princess is not too cool anymore..
see, that behind everything good, there is something imperfect that can make it GUBRAK!


But life is also not that bad when i see many people's life are worse than mine,
so i don't sink too deep with my sad feeling in mellow time.
*in an awful day, all the world seems to hate me, i don't have future, i don't wanna live etc etc, i took a pity of myself.
then i saw my subordinate. looked happy. if she could live, why couldn't i?
i pat my cheek, pinched my hand, and back to the state of CONSCIOUS.


There' re times when my day is full of love, i admit it.
but the day after is just so so. usual. like the ordinary day. love is no more in the air.
so, yea, just forget the dramatic moment with family and friends
: |  (straight face on)


There is nothing,
yes,
nothing can hold me stay long so deeply in feeling..
except.. the one i felt these days, i.e. JEALOUSY!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!   X'O


i pretend that i never be jealous of her.
i play my role as a confident tough woman.
but it's getting hard to play the role.
everytime i see her, something inside my stomach is moving fastly.
i don't hate her, but i don't like herrrrrrr!!
except she moves to a far far away place and never comes back.
bwe! >=p


do you know what did i find after?


Proverbs 27.4
Wrath is cruel and anger a torrent,
But who is able to stand before jealousy?


wkwkwkwk..
even Salomon said that, so there's nothing wrong if i can't stand it  :p


conclusion : i better keep the distance.
(or you just stay away from me my dear lovely girl!!)

what is THAT?

what is birth,
that most of living people never hope to have one, but then they struggle to keep it when they're about to lose it

what is life,
that we never see the power behind which keeps our hearts beating, but yes, we're alive!

what is home,
that we miss so much whenever we’re away,
though it’s not all that good, that big, or that strong, we feel safe in it

what is a sisterhood,
that quarreling was such as a hobby when we were close,
but everything turns so peaceful and sweet when we're separated

what is so good about the 1st nephew,
that we compare him with an angel,
and in our eyes they are the most handsome boy in the universe

what is 'liking',
that we never admit if it's or perhaps love, but we feel the pain when we lose it

what is time,
that we could never touch, chase, or keep,
it’s beyond our control,
we're trapped in it and can never get out

what is jealousy,
that makes us hate another for the wrong he has not done

what is satisfaction,
that sometimes can't we get by achieving our goals, obtaining the wealth and power of the world,
not even when we stand on the top of everything,
but sometimes it just comes after little things we did for others

what is a word,
with which a good speaker inspiring people,
with which an author amazing readers
and with the same thing, a scoffer creates bitterness and hatred

what is music,
that beat our heart faster when we're in love,
and tear our hearts into pieces in time of sadness

what is love,
that though we can't see or grab it, our heart can indeed feel the happiness,
our body gets stronger,
our mood becomes so good,
our smile never leaves our face

finally, what is GOD,
that He created everything i asked above,
and one after another He put in our life,
good after bad,
bad after good,
but finally when we look back, we understand that His plan is just beautiful.

RUSH HOUR

I have only 35 minutes to wake up, use my softlenses, brush my braced teeth, shower, put on 4 types of cream + face powder, take my socks, shoes, breakfast & drink so i can do all in the car.
Using my shoes, ID Card, watch, eating and reading Bible at the same time.

Work from 8 am to 5 pm, doing all the jobs, i try to save some time this way :
I don’t go to the toilet without my yellow Tupperware so i could refill my drink on the way to toilet.
*the pantry is soo far from my cube
I don’t go to Lexmark Multi Function Device without my pen, so after I print some papers, i’ll check a minute, sign and fax it.
*the MFD is not so far, but quite wasting time to go back and forth
I speed up my walk. Believe me. When i walk 3 steps, a normal woman only have 2 or 1.
It’s also for balancing my slow eating disorder.
(wkwkwkwk, i never call it’s a bad habit cos i can’t and will never enjoy eating fast!)
5 pm I will run out of office to catch the Bus Trans to catch my pap.
or I will pay more (using taxi) to save one hour that i won’t get if i have to go home by myself.

The rushing continues if I have something to attend in the evening such as music practice/ cell group/ meeting etc. Showering, drying my hair, eating in 35 minutes then driving like a runaway robber.

Then I close the day with a fast prayer in heart, lying on my bed just to save some more time to give my body enough time to rest.
.......
I just thought i have saved one year when i decided to join in acceleration class in highschool so i would have one free year that others wouldn’t have..
.......
but ‘saving time’ never ends, it still continues until today.

What is the point of chasing the time all the time?
Time will keep running anyway.
And since we all knew that it wouldn't come back again, why don’t just allow me to enjoy mine?

NUMBERS

When it should be 1, i had 2 years
*i might be the only child who’s repeating my TK B, in the 2nd year i got the 1st rank wakakaka...
When it should be 3 years, i had only 2
*yea, accelerated class in senior high, best and worst time all at once


[So we’re 12 persons in one class
1 ½ were male
10 ½ were female
*or just round it, 2 male and 10 female, if you count me ½ male]


When i was 18, i thought like 26
my bestfriend was 23
boyfriend was 19
my 1st student was 15


When i was 22, i thought like 30
close friend was 35 (aaaaaa!!!)
i idolized a 17
was attractive to the 20 (sudah dari dulu memangku terlihat 2 tahun lebih muda XD )
and also the 35 (untung aku tak tertipu! wkwkwkwk)


Now i am 26, i thought like 18
my best friend is 22
i scream all the time (aaaaaaaaa!) like 14
and i wish i could be 15 again!!

then somehow i remember what master shifu said
“Yesterday is history.. tomorrow is mystery.. that’s why we called today a PRESENT.”


no regret. i'll live my life to the fullest!